By Cora & Carol
September 02, 2023
Cora’s Journal Entry
I had counseling yesterday. I worked with my counselor Jay for years, but it was the first time I let him know that I was Cora, not Carol. It was scary. I risked that he wouldn’t believe me and might even lock me up as delusional. It was very scary, but I did it anyway.
I was more than a little afraid that he would treat me differently, that he would treat me like I wasn’t real. I am real. I’m just not whole. He seemed a little bothered when I revealed that I am the one he’s been working with for the past five plus years and that Carol has been taking a backseat to this shit show since he told her flat out that she has DID. She wasn’t quite ready to hear it, but she’s dealing with it now which is nice.
Tricked
Jay tricked me. Instead of using his normal small talk, he said something that caught me off guard. He said the last session had been a big one. I didn’t know what he was talking about because I wasn’t there. I mean, I knew he met Rose for the first time, but Carol went to that session, not me.
What did he mean? Much to my dismay, he wouldn’t tell me. He said he was surprised that I didn’t know which gave me absolutely nothing to go on. I tried to make light of it, but he wouldn’t let me change the subject. I asked him if I had pole danced or something, but he just looked at me. His silence was pure agony.
I felt like a bug under a microscope. He stared at me so hard that I squirmed in my seat. I searched my head for any clue of what he was talking about. A wave of panic hit when I came back with nothing. Shit. I felt the trap closing around me and there was nothing I could do about it. The more he stared, the more I squirmed. I felt so exposed and vulnerable.
Busted
Damn it. He busted me. I am usually so careful, but he had never started a session like that before. I’ve been trying to force Carol to the front, but she wouldn’t show. I had no clue of what he was talking about. I knew he met Rose and passed her stare down, but was that what he was talking about?
If Rose could reveal herself to Jay without getting us locked up in the funny farm, then so could I. Besides, it wasn’t like he didn’t know me. He just didn’t know that he knew me. What the F was I going to do now? I could feel the noose tightening. For all my preaching to Carol about living in defiance of the rules, I realized that Carol was forcing me to walk the talk. I shook my head and admitted to Jay that I wasn’t Carol. Taking a deep breath, I admitted that I was Cora, bracing myself to be locked up in the funny farm.
The more I tried to pull Carol forward, the more she refused. The silence got to me. To fill the awkward silence, I talked about the things that bothered me. Carol makes me out to be a slut. For a very long time, I was, but I’m not anymore. I am celibate because I want to be. My healing comes first. I worked hard to fix my shit and put down my shame so I refuse to allow it back in my life anymore.
Celibate Sexual Part
Yes, I have different values around sex and believe that what happens between two consenting adults is perfectly okay, with the two key words being consenting and adults. Since I don’t carry shame over my sexual human nature, there is no fat suit prison that can stop me from doing whatever I want to do. I want to be healthy and look my best, but being fat is not a deal breaker for me anymore. I refuse to let some extra pounds make me feel like I’m unworthy.
As I’ve told him dozens of times before, I joked that it was all his fault and that I blame him for my attitude. He asked how so. I responded that he raised my expectations and I finally believe I deserve better. Before Jay, humping and dumping was the only life I knew. I still get twinges when I see a hot guy and I’ll darn sure look, but I don’t act on it. He helped me, but he just thought I was Carol.
Finally Being Seen
Jay relaxed his shoulders when he finally recognized me. Finally! He clearly thought I was Carol and that’s okay. Keeping our DID hidden is part of the job description. Even though he tricked me into revealing myself, I put a huge amount of trust in him by revealing myself.
I’m not Carol’s enemy. I will be a part of the final version of me which is cool. Parts don’t die and I won’t either. While I realize this is a touchy subject and everyone has their own opinion, I’m all for integration and I look forward to the day when I can infect everyone with my shamelessness and enoughness. I am just not interested in anymore shame.
That is where Carol and I don’t get along. She still carries around a lot of shame and she needs help with it. She’s trying to overcome it, but she’s struggling. I’ve tried to tell her how things are without that shame weighing us down. Well actually, I share how it feels to do life without shame, but she can’t hold onto that feeling. She needs help. I will help her in every way that I can from the inside, but I need Jay to help her from the outside, the same way he helped me.
Carol’s Journal Entry
I planned tell you all about Rose today, but I am postponing that for another time. Yesterday’s counseling session is far more pressing.
Yes, I left Cora hanging. During the last session, I asked Jay to help me work with my parts. Trusting Jay enough to finally ask him for his help with my parts is the big deal that he talked about. I don’t do trust well so trusting him enough to finally ask him for help with my DID was huge.
Letting My Counselor Meet Cora
I wanted Jay to meet Cora, but I didn’t know he would start the session with a trap. I knew she could handle it though so I stayed back and blocked her from going into my memory to see what happened. She is such a pain in my ass with all her nagging that wanted him to know the truth about her pretending to be me over the years. I could have told him about it, but I think seeing it for himself gave him a better understanding of the situation.
Besides, she had stuff she wanted to tell him. I just made it happen sooner rather than later as a gesture of goodwill to Cora. As she pointed out, she’s done with shame so it was time for her to put her money where her mouth is. We can trust Jay and I’m glad he tricked us into revealing her identity. He’s trying to help us and I’m glad he knows how hard it is for me to reveal the extent of my dissociation with anyone.
The Shit List
Cora makes valid points. My shame over having DID is blocking progress. I need help to set it down. A life free of shame feels impossible. She keeps telling me that I need to get pissed off, but that’s not me. That’s Ann. Ann hold my anger, not me.
Cora wants me to get pissed and to stop living by my family’s rules and expectations. But look at me. I’m broken. How do I do that? She wants me to make a list of the false beliefs and shitty rules that my abusive family and crappy husbands forced me to take on as my own. I need to make that “shit list” as she calls it and then counter every false belief and every abusive expectation with a healthier belief and expectation that supports the life that we want to create for ourselves. I have to work on it every day until I believe it through and through.
Jay told me that Cora supported me more than I knew. He’s right. She nags, but I’m listening now. I’m trying it her shit list idea so here goes.
A Dozen False Beliefs
- Only perfect people deserve love. Nope. God loves us flaws and all. Who are we to argue with God about our lovability and our enoughness?
- I’m nothing without my abusers. No, they are nothing without us. Abusers have to have someone to abuse. They project their own feelings of nothingness onto their victims. Their nothingness is not our burden to carry. Set that shit down. We are worthy of love and more than enough.
- I’m evil because I turned my abusers evil. No child has the power to turn an adult or other child evil. Adults are responsible for their own choices and actions. Children model what they see the adults around them doing. If they are being evil, it’s because they chose it, not you.
- I provoked my rapists into raping me. This is not true. While rape is sexual, it isn’t about sex. It’s about power and control. Healthy people don’t get sexually aroused by children. Healthy people also don’t get aroused from overpowering and controlling others. Your family and your rapists were not healthy.
- All families rape and abuse behind closed doors. False. Healthy families do not rape and abuse any of their family members. This is a lie that your family told you to normalize their evil behavior.
- Being my father’s bastard means that I have to pay for the sin of my existence. Not true. This is not your sin to bear. You are not responsible for what your father did. Your stepmother had a choice and she chose to abuse you and spread her hatred of you to her own children. Healthy people would have walked away rather then ever abuse an innocent child. Your family is sick and twisted.
- I can’t tell anyone about the abuse. Not true. “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” Anne Lamott.
- I have to protect the family name at all costs or else. It’s easier for abusive families to demand secrecy from their victims than to do the much harder work of actually living their lives in a way that brings honor to their family. It is not your job to help them cover up their laziness and deliberate shortcomings.
- I won’t have a family or be welcome at family events if I don’t play their rules. That’s true, but their conditional and abusive tyranny means you already don’t have a family. Dysfunctional families protect the abuser at the expense of their victims. Walking away from such a dysfunctional family will free up space in your life to cultivate a circle of people around you that are healthy and supportive in ways that your abusive family can never be.
- No one will ever love like your family does. False. Dysfunctional families are not capable of love towards their victims. Their actions do not match their words and that’s called manipulation. Real love doesn’t suck the joy out you like their fake love does.
- No one will ever believe me. Some people may not believe you, but that says more about them than it does about you. Anyone who doesn’t believe a child or adult’s disclosure of abuse has issues of their own. Some of them are abusers. Some of them are enablers. And some of them live in a delusional fantasyland where they can’t admit to themselves that the world is less than perfect. Just realize that those people aren’t the only people in the world. Don’t give up. Keep trying until you find someone who believes you.
- Having DID means I’m crazy. No. Having DID is evidence that you were a victim of a horrendous, inescapable, and repetitive crimes committed against you on a massive and overwhelming scale from a very early age where you had no caring parent or caretaker that you could bond with or seek comfort from. DID is a brilliant survival tool of last resort that you used to protect yourself and your will to live by escaping in the only way you had available to you. You escaped what happening to your body by retreating into the recesses of your brilliant and creative mind. What your family and their enablers did to you was crazy. You are not crazy. You survived a level of abuse worse than what POW’s endure and you did that from infancy. That makes you remarkable at surviving, but you have it withing to do more than just survive. You can thrive. It will require courage to live in defiance of their rules, their limits, and their expectations of you, but it can be done. You don’t have to do it alone. Your counselor and your parts are rooting for you and will do everything possible to help you take your life back. We will never get justice for what was done to us, but living well will be our best revenge.