Taking Back What Was Stolen
For far too many years, my childhood sexual abuse resulted in me being a a masculine and hard woman. It comes at no surprise that a hard life makes for a hard woman. I confused femininity with being weak and worthless. Nothing could be further from the truth. There is a great deal of power in being feminine and I am now on a mission to reclaim my feminine power.
Growing up, my abusive and opioid addicted stepmother was my only example of what it meant to be feminine. She was my very first bully and I hated everything about her. From her manipulative fakeness to her domineering cruelty, I wanted to be nothing like her. Suppressing my feminine nature by acting like a tomboy was the only way I knew to accomplish that.
Girls Have No Worth
I grew up believing that boys mattered and girls did not. Even though I was nothing but a girl, I wanted to matter. I wanted to be worthy of not being raped or abused. Prove my worth became my mission in life. Competing with my male counterparts became second nature to me. I worked myself into repeated physical and emotional collapse in a vain attempt to outperform my male counterparts.
A lifetime of trying to prove my worth as one of the guys left me depleted. When a crisis hit in my mid 30’s, I went into a total breakdown of self-destruction fueled by a lifetime of self-hate. There is a healthy way to be a powerful yet feminine woman, but I was never taught any of that.
Masculine Women Attract Feminine Men
As an adult, I chose romantic partners based on my need to prove my worth. I subconsciously chose weak and feminine men who would accommodate my need to be strong and masculine. I’ve learned the hard way that weak, feminine men are abusive and controlling men.
Years of counseling helped me realize that being a woman doesn’t make me weak or unworthy. It’s quite the opposite actually. As I heal, I find myself craving all the love and protection that a real, masculine man has to offer. Masculine men aren’t attracted to hard, masculine women like I had to become in order to survive my life. If I want different, I have be different.
Getting Back To God’s Plan
If I want a masculine man in my life, I have to become the feminine, yet powerful woman God created me to be. Taking back the softness that my hard life stole from me is easier said than done. I have to do the work to reclaim the feminine power that is rightfully mine.
Unfortunately, I have no idea what exactly that means or what it looks like. This feminine power that my pedophile, my incestuous brother, and my opioid addicted stepmother stole from me is a total mystery to me. I am having to learn what it means to be a soft and feminine woman from the ground up.
Despite knowing what I want, change is hard and scary. I am now a woman on a mission to remake myself to create the life that I want. After hours of research, I have compiled a list of things that I can do to put me on the path of reclaiming my powerful feminine nature. In the off chance that anyone else might be interested in or benefit from what I’ve learned, I am sharing my list with all of you.
20 Things To Reclaim My Femininity
- Shower daily. I know this one is basic, but for people who struggle with mental health and depression, this can be challenging. Being clean and smelling nice helps me feel good about myself. Add a nice perfume and deodorant that compliments you without being overpowering.
- Fix your hair. Brushing your hair is a good start, but taking time to style your hair can go a long way to boosting your confidence. Getting your hair cut into a soft, feminine style can help as well. I have lot of trauma so I struggle with having my hair cut. I dealt with this by learning how to cut my own hair from videos on YouTube. It works for me and saves money to boot.
- Wear makeup. Being 50 years old, my old way of wearing makeup no longer works. YouTube videos came to my rescue once again by teaching how to apply makeup and take care of my skin in an age flattering way. I have a daytime minimal makeup look which I love, and I’m learning how to make a smokey eye look on my hooded Asian eyes for when I want to get dolled up.
- Wear feminine clothes. This is a very difficult one for me. I love the soft look of dresses, but my history of sexual abuse leaves me struggling with how exposed I feel in them. Choosing more feminine clothes is a process for me since I am working on a tight budget. I love thrifting which helps save money, but finding suitable and affordable pieces for my personal closet takes time and effort. I’m also corset training which really brings out my feminine nature.
- Wear feminine jewelry. There is no need to look like Mr. T, but having a few simple and elegant pieces adds the perfect polish. I used to rarely wear jewelry, but now I try to at least wear earrings. My favorite earrings are a paif of simple gold hoops that dress up just about every outfit.
- Get a manicure/pedicure. While you can always visit one of the many nail salons out there, my daughter and I treat ourself to home mani-pedi’s about once a week. Spending $2 on a cheap bottle of nail polish gives me the most bang for my buck when it comes to feeling feminine and well groomed. Press on nails aren’t my thing, but you can toss them in if desired.
- Join a gym. Besides being able to watch sweat covered, hard bodied men lifting weights and working out, improving your muscle tone and shedding excess weight can go long way to helping you feel more feminine. You are worth the investment of that monthly fee. The massage tables are my personal favorite, and the tanning beds may with seasonal depression. I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice. Each person has to use their own judgment about what is best for themselves.
- Learn to carry yourself in a feminine way. From sitting and walking to using proper posture and poise, learn to be more aware of how you move and how you present yourself. My goal is to be ladylike and graceful with my every move. Practice being soft, gentle, and sensual in how I move my body. Learn how to sit in a ladylike way. I want to bring out my inner Princess Diana in all of her elegance, class, and dignified poise.
- Speak softly. Learn how to talk softly. Remove the foul language and avoid vulgar conversations. Once again, think of Princess Diana. She spoke softly in a dignified way that encouraged the best in others and walked away when things turned ugly or cruel. There may come a time when you must stand up for yourself, but do it with dignity and grace.
- Learn how to receive gracefully. Allow a man to help you, compliment you, give you gifts, and pay. Be genuine and warm in your expression of gratitude for what he did, but retain your feminine power by refusing to be obligated to him afterwards. Good men enjoy giving and providing. Let him be a good man to you.
- Stay in your feminine power. When a man asks you out on a date, let him make the plans and pay the bill. If he shows up for the date and wants you to pick the restaurant, stand in your feminine energy by kindly refuse. He asked you out so picking the restaurant and paying the bill is his job, not yours. If he can’t invest any time, effort, or energy into planning his date with you, then he’s not the masculine man you seek. Appreciate the fact that he is showing you who he is. Move on and find someone who shares your values.
- Give back. Whether you volunteer your time or donate money to worthy causes, taking care of others, giving back to causes that you are passionate about cultivates your inner richness and draws people closer to you. Selfish people do the exact opposite by repelling those around them. You’ll make friends with people who also support the same causes as you.
- Explore your hobbies and passions. Hobbies are a great way to nurture your soul. The joy and energy you gain in doing what you love will spread to other areas of your life. If you don’t know what you like, try out things that sound interesting to you. Take that painting class, buy those roller skates, or write that book. Live your life to the fullest.
- Cultivate healthy friendships with like minded people. Have an active social life. You never know who you are going to meet, but more importantly, you don’t want to waste your life waiting for something good and fun to happen. Go out there and make it happen.
- Get into therapy if needed. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you are struggling with issues, try therapy. There are many online and in person options that are more affordable than ever. Dealing with your past can free you up to make the most of your present and your future. Whether you need help in coping with a bad breakup or learning how to set boundaries with abusive family members, dealing with your stuff can clear the way for the life you want.
- Have healthy boundaries. Learn the power of walking away. Your time and energy are sacred. Do no allow people into your life or space that try to rob you of your joy, energy, peace, or femininity. I struggled with establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries because growing up in an abusive family taught me that having boundaries are bad. Books and counseling
- Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Give yourself permission to be uniquely you. Cry when you need to. Be flawed. Show your weaknesses. This is about being genuinely vulnerable in all your perfect imperfection. When you embrace your perfect imperfection, you give the people around you to be perfectly imperfect too.
- Welcome companionship, but be okay with being alone. Never be so lonely or desperate that you settle for anything less than the masculine, healthy, and principled man that you crave and desire. Do not settle for weak, abusive, dishonest, impulsive, controlling, or feminine men. Don’t be afraid to walk away from someone who isn’t compatible with who you want or the life you want to live.
- Know your deal breakers and red flags. If a man is engaging in deal brakers and red flags, walk away. Do not try to change him into something he is not. Be grateful that he is showing you who he is and what his values are. it’s not your job to fix a man into what you want or need. He either is or he isn’t. Watch what he is showing you about himself and respond accordingly. Never stay with anyone who abuses, controls, or disrespects you.
- Be soft until the situation requires you to be hard. Being able to protect myself gives me the freedom I need to fully embrace my true femininity. Whether you exercise your 2A rights for self-defense or take classes to learn basic self defense moves, it is crucial that every woman be able to protect themselves if need be. A truly masculine man will admire and support your ability to protect yourself while a predatory poser will not. Remember that being feminine does not mean being weak.
God Finds Me Worthy
This list might not work for everyone, but it is what I am doing to reclaim my feminine power. Pedophilia and childhood sexual abuse destroyed my life. It has taken everything from me. That includes stealing my ability to enjoy my God given feminine nature.
I am fighting hard to get it back everything that was stolen from me. It won’t be easy, but I deserve to be the soft, feminine woman that God intended me to be. Please pray for me if you are so inclined.